I am pissed off. I am angry and I feel like punching holes through the wall. So let me sit and examine these emotions. My son is home today AGAIN from school saying he is sick. This has made me extremely angry. Why? Maybe it is because I was going to have a nice peaceful day with no one at the house and I feel he has ruined that for me. Maybe I feel that I just never get a break from them at all since my husband is a truck driver now 24/7 so I am full time everything and I feel abandoned most times. Maybe it is because I got married to be a partner in a relationship and now I feel like I don't have one.
Being a trucker's wife is not easy at all. Some days are really really hard and you just want to jump into the truck and run away from it all. I face the same things everyone faces every day: teenage kids who are rebellious and don't want to listen, things that break down and need to be fixed, and all the other ever day problems. The difference is that I have to face it alone. Some of you may say, "Well I am a single parent and I have to do that all the time" Well I am NOT a single parent. I am married; I have a husband, don't I? I have the marriage license to prove it, but sometimes I feel like he is just some phantom guy who sends money home to me and that's it. Sometimes I just feel like I get no support at all.
I am not saying that I don't support my husband in what he does. I do, 100%. I want him to be happy. So what is the problem here? I can't have it both ways. I can't say I support my husband and then whine and complain that he is not here to handle the things I am having difficulty with. That my friends is the root of my emotions, the reason I am truly angry. I feel as if, in some way, I am being unfaithful to him. It is alright to admit one's weakness, but is it ok to blame that weakness on someone else? I don't think it is.
So what has to happen here? Either I move on or I quit. Those are the two choices I have. I am not a quitter, so I must move on. I must let go of the emotions and feelings that are not serving me. They have become a habit and it is time to break that habit. Sometimes our reactions to certain events in our lives become comfortable to us. They are like a worn blanket and we bring it out over and over again. It becomes routine because we feel safe with it. But are we really? Are we hurting ourselves more in the long run because we don't have the courage to stand up and face those things in our lives that hinder us? It is time for some new habits. While some may think bad habits are like smoking and what not, it is not always the case. Our reactions and emotions can become habitual as well.
Time to break the mold and step out into the light. When I feel the urge to scream back, I will just smile and laugh. I will do this until I no longer have the intense angry feelings and physical reactions that accompany them when faced with conflict. This will be my project for the week and I will keep you informed as to how it is going.
Until next time.....
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