It has been awhile since I have posted something here. Between computer issues, my kids being home on spring break and other issues, well...I just didn't take the time. I finished a great book called "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch. Whether or not you believe that his words are inspirations from the Divine, he brings up a lot of really good points that are worthwhile taking note off. I have been working on restructuring the magazine "Trucker Wives Magazine" into something more cohesive and in line with my vision for it. It is taking up much of my time in thought and in action. It will be inspirational and inspire the members of the trucking industry to have faith in themselves and believe they can accomplish it all.
I choose to move this weekend into the house we put in an application for. I am waiting to hear back from the guy, but it shouldn't be a problem. Our return will be coming this Friday and that is what I will use to pay our deposit and first month's rent. As far as the job field goes, well I haven't heard anything yet. I DO have a job...since I am the Editor in Chief of the magazine, but that is not bringing in an income yet. It will, I have no doubt about that.
Well, I am distracted so I am going to stop for now. Have a great day and God Bless!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day 8: A New Beginning
Every day I become more than I was the day before. Every day my internal eyes open a little wider to see the truth of my reality around me. I am at peace today.
The current reality surrounding me no longer serves me, there are things that I will change. For the longest time, I have struggled to understand what it is that I am supposed to do, why am I here, what is my purpose. My loving spirit has guided me, this I know, and has brought opportunities to me.Over the last year, I have felt lost and confused. I struggled against what I knew inside and what was expected of me by others. My thoughts became manifested, such as with the creation of "To the American Soldier" and "Trucker Wives Magazine" but then I became to invested in the outcome, or result, or these creations in the pursuit of the almighty dollar. With the expectations of others creeping down on me, I, spitefully, tossed these things aside claiming it had to be one way or the other.
I either had to pursue the ventures or silence my spirit and get a "normal" job, it had to be one way or the other. The truth is, it can be both ways. While I believed that I was called to create "To the American Soldier", what becomes of it is truly none of my concern. It is out there in the Universe and that will suffice. It is there for people to enjoy if they choose to do so, if not, the joy of creating it still exists. The same can be said of "Trucker Wives Magazine". While many people follow it, the fact that they do no longer concerns me, just as it doesn't concern me if anyone follows this blog.
I have something to say and I say it. Whether people acknowledge what I am saying is of no concern. I enjoy what I do, and that is enough.
I have been learning, or should I say remembering, a lot about the origin of my thoughts; where they come from and what they are doing. It explains a lot about where I am on this path back to the eternal light. It amazes me sometimes when I think about how many times I have come to this point and then have turned around and walked away. When I read the Seth books when I was in my early 20s, then the Peaceful Warrior books in my 30's, and now here I am in my 40s and back to it again reading Dr. Wayne Dyer and Neale Donald Walsch. All of these texts referred to the same thing, that we create our own reality. I am fascinated by Quantum Physics which eludes to the same thing. I always come back to it time and time again. That says something.
While my entire life I have always questioned the foundation of religion, I have never questioned the existence of God. I have, however, questioned the general perception of God. I never believed he was an esoteric being floating up in the heaven with his lightening bolt just waiting for the person who defied him so he could smite them. That never made any sense to me. What did make sense was that God, the loving spirit, existed in all things and that we were all connected to one another, all being a part of that same loving spirit. That rang with truth to me.
I never believed in the concept of heaven and hell as it was being taught. I thought that we were souls, spirits, life energy, that were trapped on this planet because we forgot who were were. In a sense that is true, but the purposeful forgetting I never thought of, but why else would we forget? I always felt as if the world around me was an illusion, a dream, conjured by my mind; in fact it is conjured by the minds of us all, which leads us as incarnate humans to think that we have no control over any of it, even though we do our part to help create it.
The books I am reading now so closely correlate with my own feelings about my own existence that they can't help but draw me in closer to those beliefs and solidify the truth as I see it in my heart. Looking back through time, I see it so perfectly clear, where before there was doubt. I am now and forever will be a part of something truly wonderful, just as we all are. I suppose if we all remembered who we were, the purpose of this whole exercise of incarnate existence would come to an end. We would know ourselves and the job would be done.
It is so simple and so fantastically wonderful and glorious, I almost seem impatient just to be done with it. But I am not ready to return back to whence I came, not yet. There are still some things I am going to experience. The joy of life with no struggle, no worries, the feeling of what it is like to know that the money will always be there and that food will always be on the table and gas in the vehicle. To feel the joy of seeing my grandchildren grown into fine adults and knowing that I partook indirectly in their creation. To see my own creations, my children, flourish even in the midst of their own struggles. To see the wonders of this planet and realize the love from which it was created. So many things to experience...so many joys..I am going to experience them all.
I find that when I take a step back and realize the truth of why I even exist that I become hungry to experience everything. I know that through my lifetimes that I have experienced much and even though I don't recall them here and now, the results of those experiences have created me as I am. I know that my "journey" is almost complete, I do not have that much further to go. I think several, maybe 10 or so, more lifetimes ought to do it.
On a lighter note, I am waiting for the realtor to call back about the house, and still waiting for an interview for a job. I am done with eternal waiting. I am ready now and thankful for the opportunities that are coming my way.
Until next time.....
The current reality surrounding me no longer serves me, there are things that I will change. For the longest time, I have struggled to understand what it is that I am supposed to do, why am I here, what is my purpose. My loving spirit has guided me, this I know, and has brought opportunities to me.Over the last year, I have felt lost and confused. I struggled against what I knew inside and what was expected of me by others. My thoughts became manifested, such as with the creation of "To the American Soldier" and "Trucker Wives Magazine" but then I became to invested in the outcome, or result, or these creations in the pursuit of the almighty dollar. With the expectations of others creeping down on me, I, spitefully, tossed these things aside claiming it had to be one way or the other.
I either had to pursue the ventures or silence my spirit and get a "normal" job, it had to be one way or the other. The truth is, it can be both ways. While I believed that I was called to create "To the American Soldier", what becomes of it is truly none of my concern. It is out there in the Universe and that will suffice. It is there for people to enjoy if they choose to do so, if not, the joy of creating it still exists. The same can be said of "Trucker Wives Magazine". While many people follow it, the fact that they do no longer concerns me, just as it doesn't concern me if anyone follows this blog.
I have something to say and I say it. Whether people acknowledge what I am saying is of no concern. I enjoy what I do, and that is enough.
I have been learning, or should I say remembering, a lot about the origin of my thoughts; where they come from and what they are doing. It explains a lot about where I am on this path back to the eternal light. It amazes me sometimes when I think about how many times I have come to this point and then have turned around and walked away. When I read the Seth books when I was in my early 20s, then the Peaceful Warrior books in my 30's, and now here I am in my 40s and back to it again reading Dr. Wayne Dyer and Neale Donald Walsch. All of these texts referred to the same thing, that we create our own reality. I am fascinated by Quantum Physics which eludes to the same thing. I always come back to it time and time again. That says something.
While my entire life I have always questioned the foundation of religion, I have never questioned the existence of God. I have, however, questioned the general perception of God. I never believed he was an esoteric being floating up in the heaven with his lightening bolt just waiting for the person who defied him so he could smite them. That never made any sense to me. What did make sense was that God, the loving spirit, existed in all things and that we were all connected to one another, all being a part of that same loving spirit. That rang with truth to me.
I never believed in the concept of heaven and hell as it was being taught. I thought that we were souls, spirits, life energy, that were trapped on this planet because we forgot who were were. In a sense that is true, but the purposeful forgetting I never thought of, but why else would we forget? I always felt as if the world around me was an illusion, a dream, conjured by my mind; in fact it is conjured by the minds of us all, which leads us as incarnate humans to think that we have no control over any of it, even though we do our part to help create it.
The books I am reading now so closely correlate with my own feelings about my own existence that they can't help but draw me in closer to those beliefs and solidify the truth as I see it in my heart. Looking back through time, I see it so perfectly clear, where before there was doubt. I am now and forever will be a part of something truly wonderful, just as we all are. I suppose if we all remembered who we were, the purpose of this whole exercise of incarnate existence would come to an end. We would know ourselves and the job would be done.
It is so simple and so fantastically wonderful and glorious, I almost seem impatient just to be done with it. But I am not ready to return back to whence I came, not yet. There are still some things I am going to experience. The joy of life with no struggle, no worries, the feeling of what it is like to know that the money will always be there and that food will always be on the table and gas in the vehicle. To feel the joy of seeing my grandchildren grown into fine adults and knowing that I partook indirectly in their creation. To see my own creations, my children, flourish even in the midst of their own struggles. To see the wonders of this planet and realize the love from which it was created. So many things to experience...so many joys..I am going to experience them all.
I find that when I take a step back and realize the truth of why I even exist that I become hungry to experience everything. I know that through my lifetimes that I have experienced much and even though I don't recall them here and now, the results of those experiences have created me as I am. I know that my "journey" is almost complete, I do not have that much further to go. I think several, maybe 10 or so, more lifetimes ought to do it.
On a lighter note, I am waiting for the realtor to call back about the house, and still waiting for an interview for a job. I am done with eternal waiting. I am ready now and thankful for the opportunities that are coming my way.
Until next time.....
Monday, March 7, 2011
Day 7: A New Beginning
I am pissed off. I am angry and I feel like punching holes through the wall. So let me sit and examine these emotions. My son is home today AGAIN from school saying he is sick. This has made me extremely angry. Why? Maybe it is because I was going to have a nice peaceful day with no one at the house and I feel he has ruined that for me. Maybe I feel that I just never get a break from them at all since my husband is a truck driver now 24/7 so I am full time everything and I feel abandoned most times. Maybe it is because I got married to be a partner in a relationship and now I feel like I don't have one.
Being a trucker's wife is not easy at all. Some days are really really hard and you just want to jump into the truck and run away from it all. I face the same things everyone faces every day: teenage kids who are rebellious and don't want to listen, things that break down and need to be fixed, and all the other ever day problems. The difference is that I have to face it alone. Some of you may say, "Well I am a single parent and I have to do that all the time" Well I am NOT a single parent. I am married; I have a husband, don't I? I have the marriage license to prove it, but sometimes I feel like he is just some phantom guy who sends money home to me and that's it. Sometimes I just feel like I get no support at all.
I am not saying that I don't support my husband in what he does. I do, 100%. I want him to be happy. So what is the problem here? I can't have it both ways. I can't say I support my husband and then whine and complain that he is not here to handle the things I am having difficulty with. That my friends is the root of my emotions, the reason I am truly angry. I feel as if, in some way, I am being unfaithful to him. It is alright to admit one's weakness, but is it ok to blame that weakness on someone else? I don't think it is.
So what has to happen here? Either I move on or I quit. Those are the two choices I have. I am not a quitter, so I must move on. I must let go of the emotions and feelings that are not serving me. They have become a habit and it is time to break that habit. Sometimes our reactions to certain events in our lives become comfortable to us. They are like a worn blanket and we bring it out over and over again. It becomes routine because we feel safe with it. But are we really? Are we hurting ourselves more in the long run because we don't have the courage to stand up and face those things in our lives that hinder us? It is time for some new habits. While some may think bad habits are like smoking and what not, it is not always the case. Our reactions and emotions can become habitual as well.
Time to break the mold and step out into the light. When I feel the urge to scream back, I will just smile and laugh. I will do this until I no longer have the intense angry feelings and physical reactions that accompany them when faced with conflict. This will be my project for the week and I will keep you informed as to how it is going.
Until next time.....
Being a trucker's wife is not easy at all. Some days are really really hard and you just want to jump into the truck and run away from it all. I face the same things everyone faces every day: teenage kids who are rebellious and don't want to listen, things that break down and need to be fixed, and all the other ever day problems. The difference is that I have to face it alone. Some of you may say, "Well I am a single parent and I have to do that all the time" Well I am NOT a single parent. I am married; I have a husband, don't I? I have the marriage license to prove it, but sometimes I feel like he is just some phantom guy who sends money home to me and that's it. Sometimes I just feel like I get no support at all.
I am not saying that I don't support my husband in what he does. I do, 100%. I want him to be happy. So what is the problem here? I can't have it both ways. I can't say I support my husband and then whine and complain that he is not here to handle the things I am having difficulty with. That my friends is the root of my emotions, the reason I am truly angry. I feel as if, in some way, I am being unfaithful to him. It is alright to admit one's weakness, but is it ok to blame that weakness on someone else? I don't think it is.
So what has to happen here? Either I move on or I quit. Those are the two choices I have. I am not a quitter, so I must move on. I must let go of the emotions and feelings that are not serving me. They have become a habit and it is time to break that habit. Sometimes our reactions to certain events in our lives become comfortable to us. They are like a worn blanket and we bring it out over and over again. It becomes routine because we feel safe with it. But are we really? Are we hurting ourselves more in the long run because we don't have the courage to stand up and face those things in our lives that hinder us? It is time for some new habits. While some may think bad habits are like smoking and what not, it is not always the case. Our reactions and emotions can become habitual as well.
Time to break the mold and step out into the light. When I feel the urge to scream back, I will just smile and laugh. I will do this until I no longer have the intense angry feelings and physical reactions that accompany them when faced with conflict. This will be my project for the week and I will keep you informed as to how it is going.
Until next time.....
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Day 6: A New Beginning
I want to take a break from life today and introduce you to my favorite band called Missing Stateside. They are a local band in Albuquerque and they have touched my heart in the most profound way. They are a military tribute band, as three of the members are either active or retired, and they do cover songs as well as write their own music.
Here is an example:
This song was written by them for a bike rally they always attend called Fire and Ice and performed at most of their engagements, it is called Fire and Ice.
This is JD Morgan, the founder of the band and lead guitarist/singer performing Wild Horses in his own garage studio:
Now as far as JD's music goes I have to share this with you as it helps me through a lot of rough times I run into. JD is the kindest, most gentle hearted, person you would ever meet in your life. His friendship means a great deal to me and I will always stand in support of him and the band.
I hope you enjoy their music as much as I do. And the next time you are in Albuquerque, you should check them out.
Until next time....
Here is an example:
This song was written by them for a bike rally they always attend called Fire and Ice and performed at most of their engagements, it is called Fire and Ice.
This is JD Morgan, the founder of the band and lead guitarist/singer performing Wild Horses in his own garage studio:
Now as far as JD's music goes I have to share this with you as it helps me through a lot of rough times I run into. JD is the kindest, most gentle hearted, person you would ever meet in your life. His friendship means a great deal to me and I will always stand in support of him and the band.
I hope you enjoy their music as much as I do. And the next time you are in Albuquerque, you should check them out.
Until next time....
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Day 5: A New Beginning
It's Saturday. Talked to my truck driver on the phone and he is cruising through Nebraska. I miss him tremendously and told him he must have felt it and that is why he called. Talking to him calms me in ways I cannot explain. He is my rock.
We are filling out the application for the house we saw yesterday. The boys really like it and I think it will work out well; the worst that can happen is that they will say no, but I am not going to focus on that. I want to move. I want to have a place to call my own. And I will, it is just a matter of time. I also went down to Denny's yesterday and put in an application there to be a waitress.
Going from making $50,000 a year to a waitress is a blow for sure, but I have to do what I must in order for us to survive. I have plenty of projects going on, plenty of opportunities, if only one of them will bloom to fruition it would be awesome. Only time is going to tell if all of these moments amount to something wonderful.
It is hard sometimes to stay positive, to keep believing, especially when you feel that life is against you. Just that thought alone can be enough to throw me into the abyss. I look around me and wonder why I continue on this journey; I wonder if all my efforts will be worth it. I hope so. I can't imagine just giving up on life. I have seen someone do that; I have seen the pain that is left behind and I would never want to do that to anyone.
What am I talking about? Well, when I was a teenager (I think I was 18 at the time, still a senior) I was dating this guy. One day I was outside in the front of my house and his best friend drove up and told me, "Kevin is dead" I didn't believe him and told him he was full of shit, but he insisted. I just stood there in disbelief when he said "Last night Kevin killed himself" he told me the day of the funeral and where it was and then he drove off. No comforting me, no anything, just drove off and left me standing there in a state of total confusion. My best friend was in Chicago and my parents were in Colorado. I was alone. Completely alone.
I went to school the next day in a fog and one of my friends became very concerned about me when I told her I was leaving. I couldn't stand it there. I had to go to the funeral. So I left school and made my way to McHenry from Woodstock on the bus. I walked from the bus stop to the funeral home. It was then I found out the guy I was dating was engaged to be married to another girl. I was horrified. No one there knew me, but I still see vividly Kevin in the casket, lying there so still. I kept waiting for him to breathe and jump up saying it was all a horrible sick joke, but he didn't. He just lied there. Looking around I saw the tears of anger and frustration and pain. I swore I would never do that to anyone. I would never give up on life like that, no matter how bad things got.
I caught a ride to the cemetery and watched as the lowered the casket into the ground, then his fiance came up to me and asked who I was. What could I say? "A friend" I said and then walked away. I felt as if my whole world capsized and I was drowning. I wondered through McHenry for awhile, then went home. I ended up getting called into the office the next day at school for skipping class, but I explained what had happened and since I was such a good student they let it slide and asked me if there was anything they could do for me. What could anyone do, though?
When my best friend came back to town I told her what had happened and she was shocked. We sat and commiserated for awhile and then she made a date with the guy she was seeing (he happened to be the friend of the guy who shot himself in the head). We went to the races and I got sick. The talk that was going around between all the people made me nauseous. They said I was the last person Kevin slept with and that is why he shot himself. They belittled me and made me feel lower than the green scum at the bottom of the lake.
No matter how bad I felt, when things got that way I envisioned Kevin there with me saying everything was ok and it wasn't my fault. That is what got me through that time. You see, the night he killed himself, I was going to call him. I picked up the phone three times and dialed the number and hung up. I don't know why I couldn't complete the call but it haunted me for a long time. I felt that if I just had the nerve to follow through he would still be alive.
Of course now I know that isn't true, things happen for a reason no matter what the event. Even if we don't understand it at the time. The events of my own life have made me the person I am today. They have sculpted me and refined me. If it wasn't for the bad times in my life, I would not be able to enjoy and appreciated fully the good times. I know that now and I think at some level I understood that when I was 18. I will never forget Kevin and I think of him often and what he meant to me and my life.
So, anyway, that is all in the past and nothing can be done about it. While I do reflect on those things, I know they have no power over me and my actions today. While I may be a culmination of all the experiences I have been through, it is still my choice on how I proceed. I can choose to remain that person, or become somebody completely different.
I still need to find a job.
Until next time......
We are filling out the application for the house we saw yesterday. The boys really like it and I think it will work out well; the worst that can happen is that they will say no, but I am not going to focus on that. I want to move. I want to have a place to call my own. And I will, it is just a matter of time. I also went down to Denny's yesterday and put in an application there to be a waitress.
Going from making $50,000 a year to a waitress is a blow for sure, but I have to do what I must in order for us to survive. I have plenty of projects going on, plenty of opportunities, if only one of them will bloom to fruition it would be awesome. Only time is going to tell if all of these moments amount to something wonderful.
It is hard sometimes to stay positive, to keep believing, especially when you feel that life is against you. Just that thought alone can be enough to throw me into the abyss. I look around me and wonder why I continue on this journey; I wonder if all my efforts will be worth it. I hope so. I can't imagine just giving up on life. I have seen someone do that; I have seen the pain that is left behind and I would never want to do that to anyone.
What am I talking about? Well, when I was a teenager (I think I was 18 at the time, still a senior) I was dating this guy. One day I was outside in the front of my house and his best friend drove up and told me, "Kevin is dead" I didn't believe him and told him he was full of shit, but he insisted. I just stood there in disbelief when he said "Last night Kevin killed himself" he told me the day of the funeral and where it was and then he drove off. No comforting me, no anything, just drove off and left me standing there in a state of total confusion. My best friend was in Chicago and my parents were in Colorado. I was alone. Completely alone.
I went to school the next day in a fog and one of my friends became very concerned about me when I told her I was leaving. I couldn't stand it there. I had to go to the funeral. So I left school and made my way to McHenry from Woodstock on the bus. I walked from the bus stop to the funeral home. It was then I found out the guy I was dating was engaged to be married to another girl. I was horrified. No one there knew me, but I still see vividly Kevin in the casket, lying there so still. I kept waiting for him to breathe and jump up saying it was all a horrible sick joke, but he didn't. He just lied there. Looking around I saw the tears of anger and frustration and pain. I swore I would never do that to anyone. I would never give up on life like that, no matter how bad things got.
I caught a ride to the cemetery and watched as the lowered the casket into the ground, then his fiance came up to me and asked who I was. What could I say? "A friend" I said and then walked away. I felt as if my whole world capsized and I was drowning. I wondered through McHenry for awhile, then went home. I ended up getting called into the office the next day at school for skipping class, but I explained what had happened and since I was such a good student they let it slide and asked me if there was anything they could do for me. What could anyone do, though?
When my best friend came back to town I told her what had happened and she was shocked. We sat and commiserated for awhile and then she made a date with the guy she was seeing (he happened to be the friend of the guy who shot himself in the head). We went to the races and I got sick. The talk that was going around between all the people made me nauseous. They said I was the last person Kevin slept with and that is why he shot himself. They belittled me and made me feel lower than the green scum at the bottom of the lake.
No matter how bad I felt, when things got that way I envisioned Kevin there with me saying everything was ok and it wasn't my fault. That is what got me through that time. You see, the night he killed himself, I was going to call him. I picked up the phone three times and dialed the number and hung up. I don't know why I couldn't complete the call but it haunted me for a long time. I felt that if I just had the nerve to follow through he would still be alive.
Of course now I know that isn't true, things happen for a reason no matter what the event. Even if we don't understand it at the time. The events of my own life have made me the person I am today. They have sculpted me and refined me. If it wasn't for the bad times in my life, I would not be able to enjoy and appreciated fully the good times. I know that now and I think at some level I understood that when I was 18. I will never forget Kevin and I think of him often and what he meant to me and my life.
So, anyway, that is all in the past and nothing can be done about it. While I do reflect on those things, I know they have no power over me and my actions today. While I may be a culmination of all the experiences I have been through, it is still my choice on how I proceed. I can choose to remain that person, or become somebody completely different.
I still need to find a job.
Until next time......
Friday, March 4, 2011
Day 4 Part 2: A New Beginning
Well doesn't this just bite? IRS is screwing me again and is taking half my return trying to make it more difficult for us to get out on our own. It is how we react to these situations that define us. I know this. I still want to scream and throw this computer through the wall though. Sometimes we do what is right and it appears that we get nothing in return. Appearances can be deceiving though. As distraught as I am right now, I know I just have to keep going at it and not give up. It is hard.
The Universe handles the how of things...like the saying: God is in the details. You allow the loving spirit to handle it and just keep focused on the end result. That is what is hard for me, because of everything I have been taught growing up, that one must DO to succeed. You must have goals, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan. The problem is life does not work that way. You can plan all you want, but the unexpected still occurs and can put you into a tail spin. You have to go with the flow and be flexible, sort of like making it up as you go along.
My dad would say that is flying by the seat of your pants and it will get you no where, you must work on those goals and those plans. I say we must live in the moment, because that is all we truly have. The past is gone, it is done with and never to return; the future doesn't exist. The only moment in time that is real, that is tangible is the moment we are in. That is all we can "control" and I say that loosely. If we make the most out of each moment, they will in of themselves create the future we desire.
So, that being said, where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? In this moment in time where I exist, where all things exist.
The answer is I am me, a part of the loving spirit that flows through everything. I am connected to the Universe and to everyone. We are all one and the same, traveling through existence on the physical plane doing what we need to do. I am a trucker's wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend to those I care about. I want to be in a home, not just a house to occupy. I want to share this home with my sons, my husband and my dogs. I want to be comfortable and not have to worry about where the money to pay the bills or buy the food is going to come from. I want to work, I want to help people. I want to be a part of something bigger than I am, even though in the truth of it I already am. I want to be healthy and happy, and I want my family to be healthy and happy.
To be specific, I want a six figure income doing what I love to do, and that is to write. I want to live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with a big kitchen and a huge master bathroom that sits on a large plot of land for my dogs. I want to have this be my home that I cherish. I want to be able to help other trucker wives who run into bad situations and cannot find their way out. I want to be able to show them the way, being an example myself of coming out of the darkness of the abyss that has swallowed me time and time again. I don't want to have a lot of recognition, I just want the good feelings that come from being in a position to help others, financially, emotionally and spiritually. I believe that in this life, the mark we leave behind upon the souls of others, is what truly enables us to live forever. I want this for me and for my family. This is who I am.
Until next time.....
The Universe handles the how of things...like the saying: God is in the details. You allow the loving spirit to handle it and just keep focused on the end result. That is what is hard for me, because of everything I have been taught growing up, that one must DO to succeed. You must have goals, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan. The problem is life does not work that way. You can plan all you want, but the unexpected still occurs and can put you into a tail spin. You have to go with the flow and be flexible, sort of like making it up as you go along.
My dad would say that is flying by the seat of your pants and it will get you no where, you must work on those goals and those plans. I say we must live in the moment, because that is all we truly have. The past is gone, it is done with and never to return; the future doesn't exist. The only moment in time that is real, that is tangible is the moment we are in. That is all we can "control" and I say that loosely. If we make the most out of each moment, they will in of themselves create the future we desire.
So, that being said, where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? In this moment in time where I exist, where all things exist.
The answer is I am me, a part of the loving spirit that flows through everything. I am connected to the Universe and to everyone. We are all one and the same, traveling through existence on the physical plane doing what we need to do. I am a trucker's wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend to those I care about. I want to be in a home, not just a house to occupy. I want to share this home with my sons, my husband and my dogs. I want to be comfortable and not have to worry about where the money to pay the bills or buy the food is going to come from. I want to work, I want to help people. I want to be a part of something bigger than I am, even though in the truth of it I already am. I want to be healthy and happy, and I want my family to be healthy and happy.
To be specific, I want a six figure income doing what I love to do, and that is to write. I want to live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with a big kitchen and a huge master bathroom that sits on a large plot of land for my dogs. I want to have this be my home that I cherish. I want to be able to help other trucker wives who run into bad situations and cannot find their way out. I want to be able to show them the way, being an example myself of coming out of the darkness of the abyss that has swallowed me time and time again. I don't want to have a lot of recognition, I just want the good feelings that come from being in a position to help others, financially, emotionally and spiritually. I believe that in this life, the mark we leave behind upon the souls of others, is what truly enables us to live forever. I want this for me and for my family. This is who I am.
Until next time.....
Day 4: A New Begining
I couldn't sleep last night. Woke up at 1:30am with an allergy attack and couldn't get back to sleep until 4 this morning. So I got on the computer and just perused around a little bit. This is what came in my email and I thought it was a bit ironic considering what I have named this series of blog.
....that you have only just begun to discover your magnificence.
On this day of your life, Mary, I believe God wants you to know...
....that you have only just begun to discover your magnificence.
This period of your life marks a New Beginning. You can feel it. And you have only just begun to know the treasure and the glory of You. And you have only just begun to make your Real and Lasting Contribution.
So step into this day with zest and zeal! Go now and give your gift. We're all waiting for you. And we need the wonder of Who You Are.
Stranger things have happened to me, but this was a little startling. I have an appointment to go view a house today and was really hoping that money was going to be hitting my account today; the money isn't there right now, but I am looking at the house anyway. When things seem to be impossible, that is when we truly have to believe that we will prevail and overcome and achieve our wildest dreams. We have to live it as if it has already happened. I am still disappointed though. I was counting on that money being there today. Miracles can happen and I could still be moving this weekend. Last night I was in such a sense of peace; I can't really explain why, but it felt as if all my worries were needless and that all would be taken care of, hence my disappointment this morning. But we just thank the loving spirit for another day and go on.
I feel, at times, that no one is listening to me and that I am not progressing anywhere because the Universal time clock doesn't match my own. In my heart I know that I will get what I truly want and need in my life, but my mind throws a slew of doubts and chaotic confusion my way. Some people say that life is like throwing sand in the wind, that it always come back and stings you in the eye; that is how I feel about my thoughts. I find myself clinging onto one thought that leads to another and another and next thing you know I am flipping crazy mad and want to kill someone saying that life isn't fair and this is all bullshit. That is my mind trying to rationalize what it cannot understand and I know that. It doesn't make it any easier though..haha.
So let's look at this, my family and dogs need and want our own home, I am unemployed and haven't heard anything positive yet, and as of an hour ago the money hasn't showed itself in our account. You would think it would be impossible for this all to come together, for it all to happen. Impossibility is not in my dictionary. Everything is possible and has an equal chance of occurring. It is all about perception. If we want to go on thinking that it will be impossible, it will be. I choose a different path. I choose for a miracle of possibility to happen today!
Until next time......
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