It's Saturday. Talked to my truck driver on the phone and he is cruising through Nebraska. I miss him tremendously and told him he must have felt it and that is why he called. Talking to him calms me in ways I cannot explain. He is my rock.
We are filling out the application for the house we saw yesterday. The boys really like it and I think it will work out well; the worst that can happen is that they will say no, but I am not going to focus on that. I want to move. I want to have a place to call my own. And I will, it is just a matter of time. I also went down to Denny's yesterday and put in an application there to be a waitress.
Going from making $50,000 a year to a waitress is a blow for sure, but I have to do what I must in order for us to survive. I have plenty of projects going on, plenty of opportunities, if only one of them will bloom to fruition it would be awesome. Only time is going to tell if all of these moments amount to something wonderful.
It is hard sometimes to stay positive, to keep believing, especially when you feel that life is against you. Just that thought alone can be enough to throw me into the abyss. I look around me and wonder why I continue on this journey; I wonder if all my efforts will be worth it. I hope so. I can't imagine just giving up on life. I have seen someone do that; I have seen the pain that is left behind and I would never want to do that to anyone.
What am I talking about? Well, when I was a teenager (I think I was 18 at the time, still a senior) I was dating this guy. One day I was outside in the front of my house and his best friend drove up and told me, "Kevin is dead" I didn't believe him and told him he was full of shit, but he insisted. I just stood there in disbelief when he said "Last night Kevin killed himself" he told me the day of the funeral and where it was and then he drove off. No comforting me, no anything, just drove off and left me standing there in a state of total confusion. My best friend was in Chicago and my parents were in Colorado. I was alone. Completely alone.
I went to school the next day in a fog and one of my friends became very concerned about me when I told her I was leaving. I couldn't stand it there. I had to go to the funeral. So I left school and made my way to McHenry from Woodstock on the bus. I walked from the bus stop to the funeral home. It was then I found out the guy I was dating was engaged to be married to another girl. I was horrified. No one there knew me, but I still see vividly Kevin in the casket, lying there so still. I kept waiting for him to breathe and jump up saying it was all a horrible sick joke, but he didn't. He just lied there. Looking around I saw the tears of anger and frustration and pain. I swore I would never do that to anyone. I would never give up on life like that, no matter how bad things got.
I caught a ride to the cemetery and watched as the lowered the casket into the ground, then his fiance came up to me and asked who I was. What could I say? "A friend" I said and then walked away. I felt as if my whole world capsized and I was drowning. I wondered through McHenry for awhile, then went home. I ended up getting called into the office the next day at school for skipping class, but I explained what had happened and since I was such a good student they let it slide and asked me if there was anything they could do for me. What could anyone do, though?
When my best friend came back to town I told her what had happened and she was shocked. We sat and commiserated for awhile and then she made a date with the guy she was seeing (he happened to be the friend of the guy who shot himself in the head). We went to the races and I got sick. The talk that was going around between all the people made me nauseous. They said I was the last person Kevin slept with and that is why he shot himself. They belittled me and made me feel lower than the green scum at the bottom of the lake.
No matter how bad I felt, when things got that way I envisioned Kevin there with me saying everything was ok and it wasn't my fault. That is what got me through that time. You see, the night he killed himself, I was going to call him. I picked up the phone three times and dialed the number and hung up. I don't know why I couldn't complete the call but it haunted me for a long time. I felt that if I just had the nerve to follow through he would still be alive.
Of course now I know that isn't true, things happen for a reason no matter what the event. Even if we don't understand it at the time. The events of my own life have made me the person I am today. They have sculpted me and refined me. If it wasn't for the bad times in my life, I would not be able to enjoy and appreciated fully the good times. I know that now and I think at some level I understood that when I was 18. I will never forget Kevin and I think of him often and what he meant to me and my life.
So, anyway, that is all in the past and nothing can be done about it. While I do reflect on those things, I know they have no power over me and my actions today. While I may be a culmination of all the experiences I have been through, it is still my choice on how I proceed. I can choose to remain that person, or become somebody completely different.
I still need to find a job.
Until next time......
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